In an instant of raw honesty I saw the monster you tried to protect me from in the sleepless 2AM mornings. My own eyes witnessed the evil you had tried to convince me over and over again was there. And I think that is the most hurtful part; I couldn’t deny your shadow consuming you anymore. Because in what was supposed to be the most euphoric moment of melding our lives together, the mask I pretended you wore disintegrated right before my(our) eyes. Vulnerable robin egg eyes with flecks of yellow replaced by bloodshot muddy ones. Freckles that reminded me of my own summer skin washed out. Silver hair that was supposed to scream maturity, scarce, revealing scars.
And suddenly all of the familiar love in you wiped out by the...truth. No longer able to be swept under the sheepskin rug or silenced by giggles while you tickled me after a Netflix marathon.
Because the blinding California sun only illuminated everything you had ever tried to hide from me in the Wisconsin tundra. It melted the wax I placed over your flaws.
In one instant, at 4:39AM PST, I saw what you looked like through regular glasses. And I felt ashamed, horrified, disgusted. I let a monster into my bed. I did that.
Suddenly all of the glances full of pity that you gave me made since. You knew what I was doing the entire time. That’s why you said I didn’t know what I was saying.
You knew that even if you dragged me back to Wisconsin the wax would not return to its original state. It would be a messy, indecipherable replica of what I had loved before.
The charade was over.
You should know that I would have loved you forever. Not in a way that stupid fairytales describe it, but in a real way. You should know that I knew that monster existed within you and I still chose you. Even though I knew it could slash through every layer of me. Even though I knew it could kill me in my sleep. I chose that sliver of love in you over everything else.
And the fact that you chose to capitalize on that purity— that’s on you. And you can say all of the hurtful things you want to right now. You can paint me in the worst light to justify your actions. You can rewrite our history so you can sleep at night.
But the fact is— I am the light and you are the dark. It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but I will heal from your deceit. And as impossible as it seems right now, I will fall in love with someone else, have a family with someone else.
But you— you are the dark. And what you did just flings you further into the dark. And it might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but the shame, regret and disgust at your own actions will bubble to the top of your murky waters. And there will be nothing you can do because I won’t be here, in this moment, connected at all to you anymore. And that will be all because of what you did.
I chose to give you the everything. You chose to use that vulnerability to destroy me.
So now, my love, you will only ever have “almost” everything, if anything at all.